Unhappy Wedding Dreams

The Holy Ghost, "He will help us in the most important judgments of our lives." To me, this means marriage. Right now I am stuck on marriage, really its more of a fear than anything. I am afraid of marrying the wrong person, of not ever meeting the right person, of marrying when I am older and therefore less picky, so I naturally settle for anything male that moves. But I think in an interesting twist, I get pickier and pickier as I get older. I know I am a lot pickier than I was a few years ago because I have dated more people, seen more qualities that I do and Do NOT like. Also, I am afraid I am looking for an impossibly perfect-for-me person. I am afraid I am selfish in my desires to be married. I fear I am not prepared for the selflessness and imperfection of marriage. I have a lot of anxiety about not having a good marriage. Because in my mind, it is the most impacting factor for the rest of my life's happiness. Think about it, my job is my job, you go to work, put up with it to make money, then you come home. I could have a crappy job then come home and if my husband is everything I ever want him to be and he makes me happy, then life would be good, no matter if my house is pretty or my car is nice or my clothes are nice, or my job is great. For me, what will be the determining factor of my eternal happiness is who i marry. It's just HUGE!!! It is a HUGE decision. How can I ever just make that decision without being 100% confident that with him, I will have complete happiness and that he is all I ever wanted and will provide for me and love me so much??!!?? How do people do this marriage thing. It's crazy! For me, I won't marry unless I am crazy about the person and can't live without him. It might be for this reason that I have so many nightmare marriage dreams. I had one last night again:
So there I was, engaged to Justin Kreitel somehow (i guess we had worked things out). I guess I had settled cuz I hadn't found anyone better. We were hugging a lot and looking lovingly into each other's eyes. He was so happy! I was...mm..pretty happy. We were in some house or something and the family and friends were all around getting things set up. I think it was the day before the wedding. Heather and Mom were getting all the flower arrangements worked out and the flowers were beautiful! and the house the reception was gonna be in was beautiful and everyone was happy, doing wedding stuff and looking at me in a "o I'm so happy for you, you're in-love" look (a look I recognize from so many sibling weddings). So I remember hugging Justin in a downstairs room where right outside all the wedding commotion was going on. I remember coming out and seeing mom, catching her face smiling a big smile at me. I smiled back, but had a little bit of restraint in my joy because in the back of my mind, deep down, I really wasn't sure I was making the right decision. Mom might have noticed, but she carried on talking with heather about the flowers. I stood there, among all my family and wedding plans and wedding flowers and the wedding was already a set deal and it was tomorrow! I couldn't back down now! But in my gut I couldn't continue on no matter how terrible it would be to face the disappointment of my family members and especially my mom. She would be so upset that I had made such a mess and gone through with marrying him, but then backed out and wasted tons of money and time and emotions. I knew the consequence of backing out now would be terrifying, but the consequences of going trough with the marriage would be even worse, so I got Mom's attention again. "Mom..." I said in a tone she probably could recognize as not a good sign. She turned to me as though she knew what I was going to say only by the tone in my voice before I even said anything. Her look of "you better not cancel this wedding young lady" made me feel sick, but I said, "I'm not going to marry him," in a quiet yet sure voice filled with regret. Mom was holding flowers in her hands and they dropped heavily to her sides as her expression turned to one of great disappointment. She sighed her sigh of frustration. Heather who had overheard from behind her back, turned slightly in a wondering expression and the atmosphere turned silent and intense at the same time. While Mom was mad, she knew there was nothing she or I could do to make me want to marry Justin. So as much as she wanted to make me marry Justin, she knew she couldn't. Because if someone doesn't want to marry somebody, that is just not something you can talk them into. Mom spoke up, "What am is supposed to do with all this," as she looked around at the beautiful flower arrangements and the wedding decorations, and bridesmaids dresses laid out on the couch, and friends and family all in town. What a mess. I just stood there humbly, and mom said, "alright," with that same Mom sigh. She turned and her and heather talked and dealt with the flowers. After I had told Mom, I knew the next worse part was inevitable and I headed into the bedroom to confront Justin. The door was open, and I had walked in wondering if he had heard my conversation with my mom. He was facing the opposite way, but when I walked in he turned and by the look on his face I knew he had heard. He was so sad looking and I felt terrible. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I just came up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back, but in the way you would hug a stranger. He was mad, mom was mad, its a terrible feeling. And the thing about dreams which is weird is sometimes they feel so real. You can remember that feeling when you wake up. So in a way, I already know what that feeling is like. It sucks.
Dreams.
I have had at least two other marriage dreams that i can remember. Who knows how many I have had, but just don't remember. And this has been only within the past like two or three years, since I have become eligible for marriage and it has been relevant to my life.
One of the dreams, I married a Dane Vandermark who is a boy that was in my seminary class, who is so NOT my type-he is super shy, weird, big and tall and awkward. And so i was in an ugly wedding dress standing in a cramped, boring ward church room with the blue carpet and beige tables set out and the typical saugus second ward and saugus third ward families talking and laughing and just enjoying themselves and clearly way happier than ME on my wedding day! Everyone was so happy for Dan and I and Dan was happy, but he and I were about as in love with each other as a lamp and a piece of bread...we weren't holding hands or even talking. That's basically all I remember of that dream.
Another dream: I was getting married to Kevin Sheffield, which is a joke because he and brenna dated in High school then broke up then were best friends then were together, then he went on him mission and now she is married to someone else. So kevin is just a friend from high school and not a romantic figure in my life for sure. But i was in a wedding dress and he was in a tux and we were standing in a room about to be announced as newly weds at the reception in front of everybody, we had just come from the temple and I remember the DJ was introducing us, we were standing behind doors with Kevin's Dad and my Mom and a few other wedding party members. kevin and I were standing side by side. Mom and Kevin's Dad were laughing and having a jolly time about something. But I was thinking, what have I done? I don't want to be married to Kevin! O no! Now we have already been sealed in the temple, Shoot, what is the process to get a divorce after you've been sealed in the temple? I turned to Mom, and said privately to her, "Mom, I don't want to be married to Kevin." She got so so mad and said, "Serena I can't believe this." But the doors were opening and Kevin and I were pushed along to the reception site, which was disgusting. It was in some recreational building and everyone was sitting on picnic tables that were covered with cheap plastic multi-colored table cloths; there were balloons, and that's basically it for decorations. I remember thinking it looked so ugly. But we walked on down the little isle as everyone clapped for us with big smiles. Everyone was so happy for us. I remember seeing Sister Harding's face so radiant. I remember seeing Brenna and Norris's happy faces. I remember thinking, why is everyone happy for us?We are not a happy couple. And that's all i remember of that dream.

Dreams are funny. But I wonder what these dreams mean for me. Am I doomed for an unhappy marriage? Clearly, I have anxiety about that. But, I think the dreams are getting better. Because first I was married and didn't tell anyone I was unhappy or do anything about it. Then I was unhappy and realized I needed to divorce. Then, I canceled before getting married. That's progression right? Maybe soon I'll have a dream where I am married and WANT to be and its a good happy feeling. We shall see. Only night can tell...
Dreams.

Collage

This free picture collage made with Smilebox

GOALS

I love to accomplish things. Goals are so great. I recently was reading in my journal entries of the summer three years ago where I had written down some summer goals ( as i often do). As I read, I was happy to learn I really HAD achieved those goals, but I hadn't correlate the occurrence(s) as achievements of those goals just yet. I have found some other journal entries or goals written on scrap papers that have truly been accomplished, but i don't remember writing them down as goals beforehand. Apparently, setting those goals put things into my mind that drive me toward that goal subconsciously. So i eventually do get there, but when i accomplish it, i don't realize because that goal had become apart of me and accomplishing it was just a part of my life. Now, there have also been some goals that i did NOT accomplish, of course, but usually those are too high-reaching, unrealistic, unimportant, or stupid. I was uneasy about posting this blog at first because my goals are personal, because I think that's how they should be. But nobody reads my blog anyway. haha. And i'm only going to post some moderate, general goals (not my deep goals). And plus I have nothing better to do here at work for 10 strait hours...so why not? And i think the video is worth sharing (http://www.theendofovereatingbook.com/). So I totally like this video because its very smart and got me back to a conservative track, to not eat because food is YUMMY but because it is nutritious. Last night I had some s'more brownies that my roommate Heidi made which were delicious! Then I had some s'more this morning...And then stumbled upon this video somehow, Ironic. And i was reminded of how good I was a little while ago and I don't want to loose that lifestyle. To insight you, I was sick for two months strait: On Monday February 8th of this year (about 17 weeks ago) I became sicky! I had just returned from a trip to Cali for a good friend Shannon's wedding. During the trip, I did NOT eat very well--candies, traveling snack foods, chocolate, BJ's pazookie, I don't remember ever eating one vegetable or fruit except for maybe the vegetables that were in my burger at BJ's. On top of that, we went to bed pretty late every night and woke up early, equating to not much sleep.
AND previously , i'm not sure from what date to what date, but i had not been very healthy for quiet some time prior to the trip anyway!! I would have a dessert after practically every meal, whether it be breakfast dinner lunch or a snack (that sweetness of chocolate was just such a good finish to a meal). This, in case you were wondering, is not healthy. So after the Cali trip, my body was like ugh ugh...girl you are bad I aint gonna take this! So my body complained for the next two months strait. It was really quiet the toll on me. At first it was just a cold and I started to eat a little healthier as I usually do to stop a cold, and anytime I would eat sugar, my body would be raged at me and I would feel even sicker. So I tried to NOT eat sugar for a while. I had strait fruits and vegetables and pastas and potatoes and soups for a long time. But I was still sicky...bad. A cough like no other I had! My cold symptoms got better, but once they did, I all of a sudden had swollen lymph nodes underneath my chin and my gums were red and bleeding and it hurt to eat anything but yogurt. So I went to the health center again like a month later and they gave me another antibiotic but it was for gingivitis (i floss people, and brush my teeth but I believe this was gingivitis due to my weird body at the time not lack of hygiene). So the swollen lymph nodes went down, then the gingivitis went down in about 7 days. During the gingivitis I ate SO good! Because it hurt to eat anyway so i would hardly eat and when i did it was like a banana or yogurt or soft fruit or pasta. So by the gingivitis point, I had no desire to eat cakes, candy, ice cream, or any sugary dessert because I had been off of them for so long and my body was so sensitive to any ounce of sugar, that I could practically feel the negative impact of the sugar nearly instantly. So, I just stayed away for a while and that distance separated me from what was really an addiction to sugar. So the swollen lymph nodes and gingivitis went away but I still had a lingering cough that came back and stayed for about a month. So, with the strong encouragement of my roommates and my mom, I went back to the health center and got some more anti biotics for the cough. And it took i think two weeks for the cough to go away. I remember not being able to remember what it was like to NOT cough in life. But i sit here today with no cough and I am so glad. Its a miracle now that i think about it. It wasn't until mid April that I was completely back to health. And at the end of the process, I didn't eat sugar desserts or overeat as much. It was actually great. I felt great--I wasn't a slave to food or cookies. My tummy was a little flatter, I was more energetic and happier about myself. Mind you though, habits are hard to break, so I have been pretty darn good since then, but will have times of relapses where I eat ice cream or cookies or cake but his has been within the past couple of weeks at school where desserts are a part of social interaction, so I'm like...Ok i'll have cake. But i NEVER feel good afterward...so why do it? Also, we'll go to ice cream places at night for a friend outing, so i rationalize to have some, but its not like i REALLY ever wanted to consume ice cream. Ice cream used to be my favorite dessert but now i don't care for it. Also, I don't really care for cookies unless its no bake cookies (so good). So the more I have been allowing myself to have some sugar, the more body kind of desires to have it. Which is a part of a fact i realized through the past months: your body craves that which it is used to. SO if you allow yourself to eat sugar, next time your gonna want to eat more sugar and more and more until your body really craves it always. So I'm gonna try to remember that lesson. When I wasn't eating sugar I didn't crave it. I had to get over the craving I already made for myself, but luckily I had a sickness to help me do that. SO I'm trying to not let that eating lifestyle I had when I was sick get away from me!!! So that's one of my goals. haha. That was quiet the long explanation to one of my goals, but this is more just me writing my life thoughts and occurrences down. Also, the spirit helps me to overcome my appetite. Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be a glutton. So I did terrible this morning because I had oatmeal with brown sugar then s'more brownies and then graham crackers which did nothing good for my body or mind. Anywho, I doubt anyone will read this because it is so freaking long! And I myself always shy away from long writing. I'm more of a picture person. This post needs to end!

Carnival Party

Last weekend I went to a carnival party at someone's house. I went with my good friend and apartment-mate Emily Davis and my new apartment-mate who i actually love (Tiffany Winkle) and we had a blast. People were dressed circus-ish and they had a variety show and they had lamas...random. Then we ended with some dancing. I met some fun people. I met a really funny guy named Joel (Joels are just naturally funny I guess). O and this is awesome...Barack Obama was there you know just to check in on BYU social life (he really cares about US citizens) so that was cool.

Texas

So. When I went home for a spring break right after finals, I was able to relax, be with my parents and sister and nephews. I cooked with momma a lot. The food was mmm delicious. My favorites were the honey glazed chicken and mango rice, then the BBQ chicken pizza. I have the greatest mom and dad so it was fun to hang out with them. My favorite part was that it was so beautiful while i was there. It was a nice break from the cold, random, snowy, rainy weather in Utah. I love the clear Texas horizon and warm weather. The sights took my breath away. It was also great to play with my awesome nephews! They are so funny and make me laugh always. Love you all family in Texas!